Pickles
by I Brake For Bishounen Boys
Summary: Jacob gets Edward pregnant. Bella gets annoyed. Jacob and Edward frankly don't care. Carlisle realizes that eternal adolescents are probably the scariest beings this side of the Milky Way. Mpreg, Jacob/Edward, Neglected!Bella, Ukeified!Edward. Bite me.
1. In Which Carlisle Is Told Something Odd

**Oh, boy, am I in for it.**

**Before we continue, I'll make one thing perfectly clear- I am NOT on Team Edward or Team Jacob, for that matter. In my opinion, the words 'vampire' and 'sparkly' shouldn't be together in a sentence, and I generally regard Twilight with an air of condescending indifference. But... my friends wanted an mpreg yaoi Twilight fic. So... yeah. Review only if you want, but if I get any leet speak flames such as- 'OMG, this sux! 1 H8 it, go away and die! LOL :P', you will be put up for ridicule. Also, I know this chapter is short, but please review anyhow. Tell me where I'm going with this.**

**Disclaimer- I am very hapy to say that I don't have ownership of the Twilight 'Saga'. Good Lord...**

Chapter 1

Carlisle knew something was amiss when he saw Edward eating pickles dipped in chocolate sauce.

For one thing, the Cullens generally kept that sort of food (or food in general) for the benefit of human visitors such as Bella, for they seemed to have a strange preoccupation with nutrients and things called calories. Seeing Edward eat this sort of food was alarming, but Carlisle was certain, howev€er long he had been a vampire for, that pickles and chocolate didn't go together.

"Ahem, Edward," he finally said kindly. Edward jumped and looked at Carlisle as though the Voltouri were going to swoop down take him away for eating pickles. "No need to get defensive, Edward. I'm just wondering why you're eating... _that_."

Edward looked at the jar of pickles in his hands, and suddenly said, "Carlisle, I need a pregnancy test!"

_...What has this got to do with pickles?_

"Edward... is Bella pregnant?" Carlisle asked after a long silence.

"No. It's for me."

There was yet another pregnant pause (sorry, couldn't help it), this one punctuated by Edward surreptitiously taking a pickle out of the jar and crunching on it while he looked at Carlisle anxiously. Carlisle sighed. He wished, once again, that he had gone over the basics of sex with all of his children properly.

Finally, Carlisle said, "Edward, do we have to go through this _again_? Men can't have babies. You see, when a man loves a woman very much..."

"Carlisle, I have been eating a lot lately, and I have been getting sick in the mornings. And I am so emotional lately... I burst into tears yesterday because Jasper told me to go die..."

Carlisle nodded absently, Doing his best to reserve all his empathy and listen to Edward's many, _many_ troubles. To tell the truth, it sounded like business as usual with Edward, give or take a few bulimic episodes. True, that was worrying, but Edward was a vampire, for heaven's sake. He was bound to have a few self-esteem issues sooner or later. It was all part of the cycle.

"... and I slept with Jacob Black... and..."

Wait a minute. That was _not_ business as usual with Edward.

"Excuse me?" Carlisle asked.

"I slept with Jacob Black," Edward mumbled, placing the jar of pickles on the kitchen table. Carlisle stared at him. Of course it takes Edward close to a century to come out of the closet, and the first boy he sleeps with was a werewolf? Forget any illusions of normalcy. Edward was_ not_ a normal teenager in any sense of the word.

"But Edward, even if you did indeed have... relations with Jacob Black, you couldn't get pregnant. It's biologically impossible."

"Yes. And I suppose continuing to live decades after my heart's stopped beating is perfectly natural, right?" Edward snapped, his voice laden with sarcasm. Then, without warning, he burst into tears. "Carlisle, I know I'm pregnant. I've taken three pregnancy tests to make absolutely sure."

"Then why did you ask me for a test, Edward? No, no don't cry. It's all right," Carlisle soothed, swiftly coming over to Edward and rubbing his back comfortingly. "Have you told Jacob?"

"N-no... I haven't talked to him since... and even then, we didn't really talk..."

"How about Bella?"

"No," Edward said miserably, "She'd probably look at me, not register the statement at all, and then say something like, 'Red is my favourite colour. How about you?' I honestly don't know why I'm dating her, Carlisle."

"Regardless, you _are_ dating her. You have to tell her. And as Jacob is the father, it looks like he will have to stay with us," Carlisle said firmly, ignoring Edward's shocked and appalled eternal teenager look that had long ago lost its potence. He didn't think, that in all his centuries of being a surrogate father, he would have to deal with a teen pregnancy. But he would have to take this in stride.

Besides, he was old enough to be a grandfather by now.


	2. In Which Jacob Moves In

**Okay, two updates in one night. LUCKY YOU!**

**Disclaimer- I don't want Twilight. If you're going to accuse me of illegally claiming the rights to something, at least let me have a kick-ass vampire. Then I could go to jail with head held high.**

Chapter 2

"You're WHAT?"

Bella's scream could probably heard in the darkest and deepest regions of the Marianas Trench. Edward pressed a hand against his ear painfully. Jacob merely sat in the corner of Carlisle's study, looking impassive as always.

"Bella, I'm still the same boy. My heart belongs to you, and you alone..."

"That's crap!" Bella said, cutting Edward's speech short. Edward had to say he was relieved. It was hard to think of long flowery speeches all the time for this girl. Though it was tiring, he didn't want to be the one to tell her that nobody actually talked like that back then.

Bella stamped around the study like a five-year-old denied cake, and then finally said, "And it's Jacob's?"

"Yes," Edward reiterated. Bella's expression following that confirmation would have been quite amusing, if it weren't for the fact that Edward was now fearing for his very existence. He looked to Jacob, who hadn't said a word since Edward had broken the news. He was what Bella would call a 'jerk'. That was the correct term for it, was it not?

Jerk (noun): Jacob Black.

Yes, that seemed to fit.

The only problem was, Jacob Black was also something called 'cute'.

Cute (adjective): See 'Jerk'.

For the first time in several years, Edward was starting to experience what could only be classified as adolescent confusion. Carlisle had never said this came with becoming a vampire, and now Edward felt lonely, isolated, and strangely inspired to write a long sad song that could be accompanied with guitar. He also wanted pickles, but that was becoming a constant thing with him.

Picklelust. Brilliant.

Carlisle broke the interminable silence and said, "Bella, I understand that you're upset, but it is against our beliefs for Edward to abort the child. And Jacob, I'm afraid that you are to be informally welcomed into our family. The child will need a father."

"The child already has a father," Jacob pointed out, his usual sensitive self. Carlisle sighed and nodded with a smile.

"Nonetheless, Jacob, it will make for a far happier life for the child if he has two parents."

Jacob didn't particularly seem to care. He shrugged and nodded. Bella finally couldn't contain herself any longer and exploded.

"Hello? Is everybody missing the point here? Edward is a guy! More importantly, Edward is _my boyfriend_! He can't get pregnant," she said shrilly, and kicked the wall. Edward was surprised that she didn't come out of it without a broken toe.

"Well, that's just how it is, Bella," Carlisle said patiently. "You can hardly do anything about it. Edward, I'll get you the vitamins you're going to need by tomorrow, and I'll schedule an appointment. And Jacob, please go home to pack your bags and be here by six."

"Fine," Jacob shrugged, and started to leave, but not before Bella stormed out, every bit the drama queen, and slammed the door behind her. Carlisle shrugged apologetically at the two boys, and walked out after her. Edward and Jacob sat in the study, silence choking them like a thick perfume. Finally, Edward said, "You, sir, are not a gentleman."

"What?" Jacob asked, looking at Edward with an air of incredulity in his dark eyes.

"You don't care what happens to me, not really. In fact, right now, you're thinking about the various ways you can skip the country."

Jacob stared at Edward, and tried to imagine what life would be like with a telepathic, pregnant, teenage vampire. The phrase 'living hell' came to mind.

"That's not very nice."

...Aaand now it was a certainty. Jacob sighed and said, "I'll be back by six sharp, all right?"

Edward scrutinized him and said, "All right, I believe you."

Jacob smiled sarcastically, and left.

When he was sure Edward couldn't hear his thoughts, he started to think of that night with Edward again. Wow. That was all that could be said, really. His hormonal fantasies were interrupted by the realisation that he was supposed to hate Edward Cullen, which he dismissed rather easily, considering the circumstances. Then he remembered Edward was, in fact, pregnant, and was hit by an emotion that could be described in two words: oh shit.

Jacob packed, and came back just before six, as he had promised. Edward was sitting on the porch, jar of pickles in his hands, and apparently waiting for Jacob. When he saw him, the vampire said, "Oh good, you came back."

"Yeah, I came back," Jacob said, barely looking at Edward. Edward took a pickle out of the jar and said, "I'll show you to my room."

"Your room?"

"Not that you need to be shown," Edward added sharply, and viciously took a bite out of the innocent pickle. Jacob flinched, because for some reason that action made him very scared. Certain... implications aside, it made Jacob wonder what Edward would do when there weren't any pickles to take out his anger on.

"Look, Edward..." he said quickly. "I know this must be _really_ stressful for you..."

"You don't know the half of it," Edward interrupted.

"But I do want to help you, and make sure you're all right. Please don't kill me?" Jacob said, laughing nervously when Edward swivelled around to face him, mangled pickle hanging out of his mouth. Man, he was sexy when he looked murderous...

Edward eyes widened and he said, "Stop thinking that!"

"Try and stop me," Jacob grinned evilly. The vampire took the pickle out of his mouth, looking vaguely sick, and they both walked to Edward's room in silence.

"The girls helped set up the spare bed. Bathroom's to the right at the very end of the hall," Edward mumbled. Jacob smiled widely as the other boy hastily left the room. On second thought, it might not be so bad here.


	3. In Which Edward Is A Drama Queen

**Well, hello ladies and germs. I was very impressed by the level of acceptance and niceness I received from you guys. For that you get a super quick update!**

**Disclaimer- The cash cow that is the Twilight 'Saga' is not mine. That is the property of Stephenie Meyer. And she can have it.**

Chapter 3

The next morning, Edward looked like hell. One reason for this was because he had been tuning into Jacob's mind while he slept, and the things Jacob dreamt about were mightily disturbing. The other reason was because of his insistence in eating pickles in lieu of drinking blood, and the fact that immortality apparently doesn't make one invulnerable to morning sickness.

For the first time in several decades, Edward wished he were dead. Like _really_ dead.

"Good morning," Alice said perkily as Edward took the pickles out of the fridge. Edward grunted quite eloquently in reply, and chose as his first victim of the day a small defenseless pickle.

"It's a beautiful day, Edward. Do you want to go shopping later?" Alice continued, ignoring the etiquette-less Edward. She already knew of his pregnancy, and was quite willing to let his lack of manners pass for the moment.

"Why?"

"Well, I figured since you're going to get bigger, we ought to get you clothes that fit," Alice said candidly, picking up a book from the couch and starting to read. Edward put the pickles down on the kitchen table, suddenly not very hungry. The mere thought of his perfect body changing in any way, shape, or form was enough to make him swear off blood, animal or human, for the rest of his stay on Earth. Alice saw his look.

"When you have the baby you'll go right back to normal, Edward," she assured quickly with a musical laugh. "But at the same time, Jacob won't think you're nearly as appealing if you're bursting out of your pants."

"Good. I don't want him to think I'm appealing," Edward snapped. "I want him to leave me be."

"Oh, don't think that way, Edward. Please?" Alice asked with a sad frown. "The both of you are just too cute together."

"Alice, we hate each beyond any sort of redemption. And besides, both of us are in love with Bella."

"And that's why you're sitting there eating pickles and stressing out about what you're going to paint the baby's room," Alice deadpanned.

Edward stared at her for a moment, inexplicably feeling tears come up his throat, and then said, "That's not what I was thinking. Don't be so mean to me."

Without another word, he fled to his room, tears in his eyes, and slammed the door behind him. Jacob groggily stirred in the spare bed, and looked up confused. His hair was messy from bedhead, and not the artful way like Edward's was. There was a damp spot on the pillow from where he had been drooling. Like the mutt he was, Edward added darkly.

"What the...? oh yeah..." he murmured, and sat up. "You look pretty pissed. What's up?"

"You know very well why I'm pissed," Edward said, sounding like a right bitch to Jacob. Maybe he wasn't a morning person. Finally, something they had in common!

Meanwhile, Edward was very annoyed that his room had been invaded by the very thing that was aggravating him the most, and stomped up to the attic of the house, making damn sure that everyone who was trying to rest in peace (haha, joke) would be disturbed. When he was in the safe confines of the attic, he promptly burst into tears. Very, _very_ unhappy. And what was more, deep breaths really did nothing for him.

"Edward, what on earth is going on?" Carlisle asked, his voice mildly puzzled. "I think Jacob's very upset."

It was a lie, of course. Right now Jacob was thinking precisely this: _What. The. **Fuck.**_

"I don't want to do this, Carlisle," Edward said miserably. "I've taken biology enough times in a row to know that this isn't natural. I don't want to have the baby. But..."

"But what?" Carlisle prompted. He was pained that Edward felt this way, but then again, it was just an exaggeration of what he had been sensing about Edward's feelings as of late.

"But nothing," Edward dismissed abruptly. "Forget it. I'm sorry for making a spectacle of myself."

"Well, we didn't see you so much as hear you," Carlisle said, a weak attempt at a joke that nonetheless made Edward smile a little.

And at that moment, the door bell rang, and a noise, far more piercing and intimidating than the bell, cut through the air.

"Ed-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!" Bella's voice called cheerfully. Edward for once, was quite happy not to know what she was thinking.

* * *

**And I want to publicly chastise myself in regards to the comments by Tsuki-Hime Neko and Kikyara (but especially Kikyara- anyone who wants a quick update must keep their fingers crossed so that our match made in heaven will finally come to be...)- I am so sorry for the debilitating comments I posted on the first chapter, namely that this was all your idea and that you made me do it. I will never say anything rash and harmful like that ever again. Signed (by her own free will, without reward, promise, deal, exchange, threat, or violence): Stardust.**


	4. In Which Bella Has A Change Of Heart

**Hello, faithful readers. I'm happy that you enjoyed the last few chapters, and it looks like this is going to be an ongoing project.**

**PS: I know Bella is acting like she has the mind of a four-year-old Ritalin kid. But let's face it. She basically goes 'Oh, look, it's SHINY!' throughout the entire series, so my portrayal is actually quite accurate.**

**Disclaimer- If Twilight were mine, I'd've probably discontinued it before the writing of New Moon.**

Chapter 4

Jacob went downstairs when he heard Bella's voice, and stared at her in the doorway. Her dark hair was neatly brushed she had a huge vacant smile on her face, and she was wearing comfortable shoes. When she saw Jacob, she blushed, and said, "Hi, Jacob. Did I... interrupt anything?"

Jacob briefly wondered if Bella had undergone a lobotomy in her brief absence, and slowly said, "No. Bella, what's going on?"

"Me and Edward are going _SHOPPING_! Since he can't be my boyfriend, he can be my gay friend!" Bella squealed, and a bit of blood leaked out of her nose. Jacob stared at her and completely blanked out as she started to list the wonderful things she and her best gay friend _EVAH_ were going to do today. Her voice was really high and whiny, Jacob soon came to realize, and suddenly wondered what he had seen in her.

"... and then we'll pick out a cradle for the baby! I wonder if it's going to be a boy or a girl..."

"Hello Bella," Jasper smirked as he came down the stairs swiftly. "My, you look a picture today."

Bella blushed and said, "Thank you, Jasper. Where's Edward?"

"Skulking," Jasper shrugged. "You know how it is with pregnant mothers. They just need their alone time."

"Oh, I see," Bella smiled. "Well, that's all right. I'll wait. But after that, I'm taking him out. Being locked in here all day can't be good for the baby."

Jasper nodded, and left, still with that devious smirk plastered across his face. Jacob suddenly realized he must be manipulating Bella's mind somehow. However, this didn't bother him in the slightest. True, this Bella was frightening, but before, she had been a direct threat to Jacob's health. So really, this was a better arrangement. Jacob made a mental note to thank Jasper later.

"So, Jacob, want to talk to me about your sex life? Have you decided to wait until the baby's born or until you can get a committment ceremony? Are you top? I guess you must be, since Edward's pregnant. I think Edward is the most adorable uke ever..."

On second thought, Jacob was going to _kill_ Jasper when he got his hands on him.

"Bella, what are you doing here?" Edward asked at the top of the stairway, and briefly frowned at Jacob for his homicidal thoughts. Bella squealed, bounded up the stairs (tripping on the last step), and said, "Edward! You look great!"

"Uh... thanks?" Edward said, and after a quick mental check-up with everyone else in the household, was informed of Bella's altered state. "I really need pickles, Bella, so if you could get off me..."

Bella withdrew so quickly she almost fell down the stairs. Edward grabbed her wrist before she could crack her head open on the banister, and walked her down, careful to make sure she didn't hit her head on anything that would have been invisible prior to that incident.

"I was planning for us to go shopping, Edward," she suggested. Edward shrugged.

"Sure. Alice was keen on taking me anyhow," he agreed.

Bella smiled a gradeschooler's smile and said, "Yay! Edward's coming with us."

Edward grimaced slightly, and looked at Jacob as they entered the kitchen. Jacob looked back, clueless while at the same time amused. Did he seriously expect him to help him out of this predicament? This was just way too much fun to stop. Edward sent him a glare that could have killed Rasputin, and took the pickles out of the refrigerator.

"When are we leaving, Edward?"

"As soon as I finish this jar," Edward assured, and in about ten minutes, they were ready to go out the door. Were it not for Jacob.

"Come on, Jacob. You should really come with us!" Bella begged, pulling on Jacob's arm.

"That's okay, Bella. I'll be perfectly fine here," Jacob assured uncomfortably.

"Nonsense, Jacob. There's nothing to do here," Carlisle said with an encouraging smile. "You'd best go with them."

In an undertone that only Jacob could here, he said, "Protect my son from Bella."

Jacob understood and sullenly said, "Okay, I'll go."

Bell chattered to herself in the Volvo, unaware that Alice, Edward and Jacob were completely silent for the whole car trip. Jacob amused himself by thinking perverted thoughts for Edward to pick up on, and Edward was trying desperately not to drive everyone off the road while being distracted by these thoughts. Alice was aware of what was going on, but didn't particularly care.

Finally, they got to the mall. Bella hopped out and linked arms with Alice, looking on Jacob and Edward to do the same. When they didn't, she shrugged, and said, "Now let's go! Yay!"


	5. In Which Edward Gets Upset Again

**Hellooo I'm back! Figured I should update this story before Hallowe'en. Thanks for reviewing, everyone! :)**

**And see if you can spot me taking the crap out of Stephenie Meyer's writing style. Greek references, long erroneous adjectives, and I even put in a Shakespeare thing. Woot!**

**Disclaimer- If Twilight were mine, I'd have probably put the rights for it up on eBay and become a millionaire long ago.**

Chapter 5

"No, I don't **want** to wear it."

"But_ Edward_, it goes with your eyes! And it's so prettiful!" Bella pouted, brandishing the floaty yellow sundress at the 107-year-old pregnant teenage dude. Jacob and Alice, meanwhile, were getting on like wildfire. Alice, in a flash of foresight, had brought a camera with her on the shopping trip, and Jacob was getting very good at identifying various ways to blackmail Edward.

_Edward, your sister is so cool! Man, if we weren't committed..._

"Stay away from my sister, you libidinous wolf!" Edward snapped, his eyes flashing a pretty hue of red as he looked at Jacob.

By now, a cashier was looking at them anxiously from her safe spot behind the desk, and weakly inquired, "Can I help you?"

"No, we're just fine. Actually, could you show us where the bra section is?" Bella said thoughtfully, wondering if Edward would develop breasts so as to breastfeed the baby. Luckily the cashier wasn't an empath, or everyone's cover would have been blown. Unluckily, the cashier was still incredibly weirded out.

"Uh, they're just to the right, beside the pyjama section," she stuttered, looking at Edward tentatively and with a hint of disappointment on her acne-scarred face. How come all the hot ones wanted to be girls?

"If you don't like that dress, Edward, how about this one?" Alice asked, pulling something flattering and blue from the rack. "It'll go great with my lapis necklace."

"Since when does being pregnant necessitate that I crossdress?" Edward finally asked, realizing that Alice wanted him to wear her jewelry. Bella and Alice looked at each other, then shrugged.

"Truth is, Edward, I've always wanted a sister," Bella admitted.

"And Rosalie doesn't 'do' shopping," Alice added, making quotation marks with her fingers. "Beeyotch."

That caused Bella to laugh, a nasal snorty laugh that was quickly getting n Edward's nerves. Now he remembered why he liked Bella before. She used to be quiet! Amazingly so!

"Well, let's take a rest for the mortals' benefit," Alice finally said after an hour more of indecision, and the Fantastic Four stopped at a food court, where Edward bummed a relish packet off of a five-year-old and squeezed out the substance as though it were his lifeblood. At the table across from them, a woman was handling a crying, wailing baby.

"Wow, Edward, Jacob, that's going to be you in nine months," Alice said, overawed as she watched the woman burp the baby and then cradle it on her shoulder. "You know, when I was younger, I used to really like babies, but now I wonder why I thought they were so cute. Maybe it's a human... thing."

"Babies are precious," Bella said loftily, priding herself on the understanding of human interaction Alice evidently lacked. "If I ever get pregnant, I'd prize the life within me."

At that moment, Jacob had a random thought that Edward chose to ignore until she vocalized it.

"Whoa... Edward, what if it's twins?" he said, mouth open.

"...No. Excuse me," Edward said, and, with a hand to his eyes, he ran to the nearest bathroom, the door slammed shut behind him.

Alice and Bella immediately looked at Jacob as though it were his fault, and Jacob realized he had a choice. He could either stay here and become lycanthropic roasted marshmallows from the sheer intensity of the girls' twin glares, or he could go in and comfort the vampire he had impregnated. With a sigh, Jacob followed Edward into the bathroom.

(Cue romantic Twilight music)

The undead drama queen was sprawled across the changing station of the bathroom, weeping piteously. Incandescent tears were rolling down his pale marble cheeks, and his topaz eyes were shut to the world and seeing only misery in the path ahead. In the friscillating light of the fluorescent bulbs overhead, he looked like the corpse of a Florentian Adonis being brought into the morgue that was the River Styx. As Jacob came into the bathroom, he looked up, the trails of tears shining on his cheeks like liquid crystal.

"Oh... Jacob," he whispered, his voice the low melancholy notes of a cello, ringing through the drippy silence of the bathroom. "I can't do this alone."

"I know, Edward," Jacob said soothingly, coming forward and running his fingers through the downy silk that was Edward's hair. "And that's why I'm going to stay with you, until you have this baby."

In a sudden yet graceful movement, Jacob caught a precious tear cascading from Edward's drowning eyes, and 'inadvertently' took the smooth marble cheek that hadn't seen a razor in over a century in his coarse hand. Edward's eyes were soon fixed into Jacob's, and in that timeless moment, they felt a connection unlike any other. A connection that made them forget everything that had happened. A connection that made them feel as though they had been reborn just from the purity of each other's glances.

"I won't leave you alone. Now let's go back to shopping," Jacob said huskily, and they walked out.

Meanwhile, a young man was sitting in the stall of a toilet, smoking weed. It was some pretty strong stuff, the sort of stuff that had inspired an entire generation in the sixties to make love with everything that moved. Good thing nobody else was in the bathroom with him, or they would be higher than a kite.


	6. In Which Edward Sings A Song!

**Chapter 6 everyone! I have to hand it to Twilight fans- you sure are patient and persevering, and you stick with what you love! Some of you guys even sent me PMs! Got to admire that. This chapter is something I was told by someone to put in. It's a love song!! Sorry it's so short. It's really filler for the next chapter...**

**Disclaimer- Twilight's not mine. If it were, I'd be rich.**

Chapter 6

Jacob and Edward were giggling all the way home. Bella and Alice hadn't quite figured out what had happened when they were in that bathroom, but they weren't duly concerned. Edward was happy after all. Win!

When they got home, though, Edward wasn't happy. He wanted pickles and solitude. So he took the pickle jar from the fridge and went upstairs to his room, taking out a guitar he had gotten back in the sixties. Oh, the sixties. Good times. He had been a beatnik back then, snapping as a gesture of appreciation in smoke-filled rooms and strumming disconnected chords on this very guitar. It was a little battered now, but it had great sound. Edward played a couple of chords experimentally, and then furtively went to his bedside table, retrieving a couple of pages marked with his elegant script.

If anybody knew that he had written this love song for his one and only, then they would laugh. Edward knew it deep in his heart, and that was why he wouldn't admit his feelings. To anyone. Not even Jacob. Edward shuddered. _Especially_ not Jacob.

His guitar was perfectly tuned now. Edward hunched over his guitar, copper hair falling into his hair, and he started to play, singing softly as he accompanied himself. (EVERYONE SING ALONG!)

_Da da da da da_

_I could be the Juliet to your Romeo_

_We'd love each other just like that and be loved even though_

_Our families say I can't visit you and I know_

_True love can't exist for a vampire and a pickle... oh_

_What I'd give to be free_

_Just a gherkin and me_

_Flying high in the sky_

_Just a gherkin and I!_

_I'm sorry I didn't give you all the love I have for you_

_But please believe my love is pure and true_

_Like a silver-white cloud in the sky so blue_

_You're the only thing I can bite without making you a monster... oo_

_What I'd give to be free_

_Just a gherkin and me_

_Flying high in the sky_

_Just a gherkin and I!_

"I..." Edward ended the song on a soulful note, and looked up to see Jacob staring at him with the unmistakeable expression of 'W.T.F.' on his face.

"All right..." Jacob said cautiously and sat down beside Edward, looking at his garb. He was wearing a stripey shirt, an old hoodie, and a well-loved pair of Alice's jeans. It appeared Edward was trying to emulate Juno. "Look, Edward. You want to watch a movie tonight? Just as a bit of a break?"

"From... what?"

"Bella. It's all right, I've got it figured it out. I told Bella that we're going to have some 'alone time'," Jacob made quotations with his fingers. "What about it?"

"What movie is it?"

"Let The Right One In. It's about vampire love," Jacob said. "That's what made Bella believe me."

"... All right," Edward nodded.

"Oh great! Well um... that's... great!" Jacob grinned widely, and left, but not before Edward could get an accurate reading of his thoughts. He quietly smiled, and lay down on his bed. If nothing else, Jacob was a true gentleman.


	7. In Which There Is Blunt Foreshadowing

**Well, I'm really really sorry for the delays. I have to say I am really touched by the onslaught of reviews and PMs I've been getting since I've started this work. I'll say one thing about Twilight- its fans are very nice and accepting, unlike me.**

**Uh... chapter's a little short. Sorry.**

**Disclaimer- [Insert obligatory assurance that I am not nuts enough to believe I am in fact Stephenie Meyer here]**

Chapter 7

Jacob and Edward stayed away from each other for most of the day before the movie, because they wanted to maintain the image of having no chemistry or attraction whatsoever with each other, and keeping a distance was the best way to approach that.

Bella had decided to stay at the Cullens for the rest of the day after clearing it with Charlie. She and Alice had taken to painting each other's nails and sharing some juicy celebrity gossip in the latter's bedroom. Of course, Brangelina quickly turned into Jacard, and soon they were speculating on Edward's pregnancy.

"Oh my God, I hope Edward's baby's a girl!" Bella squealed, and her newly purple toes curled in excitement. "Then she can grow up all pretty like you, Alice."

"I hope it's a girl too, Bella," Alice said softly, working on Bella's left foot. "So that way she can aspire to be like you."

Bella looked at Alice for a moment, and Alice feared that she had inadvertently revealed her secret. Fortunately, Bella wasn't so quick on the uptake that she could see some foreshadowing of a possible romantic subplot, and the moment passed.

"Thanks, Alice! It's so kind of you to say that!" Bella beamed. Alice sighed in relief, and finished Bella's toes.

Meanwhile, Edward was feeling fat and bitchy. He would never admit it, but his favourite jeans were feling tight around the waist, and he had this sudden urge to burst into tears. He didn't want Jacob to think he was fat, and he was sure it was too early for him to be growing. Did pickles count as empty calories, perhaps? Edward suddenly wished that he had spent more time actually paying attention in health class rather than brooding about his eternal, meaningless existence.

"Hey, are you ready to go?" Jacob asked from outside the room. Edward looked from the mirror and nervously asked, "Do I look all right, Jacob?"

"You look great, Edward," Jacob assured honestly. Edward nonetheless took one last look at himself before deciding he was acceptable and leaving with Jacob.

"Byye! Have a good time out!" Bella said as they walked down the stairs.

"You really should convince Jasper to tone down the emotion control a little. A perpetually happy Bella is like a vegetarian Hannibal Lecter. Shouldn't exist," Jacob said as he sat in the driver's seat of the Volvo. He had decided to drive for Edward because personally, he couldn't stomach Edward's special brand of psychoses behind the wheel. Edward sniffed when he saw this thought go through Jacob's head, but made no comment.

They both passed on snacks, Edward because he had brought his own supply, Jacob because he didn't want to miss the movie. To tell the truth, he had been dying to see 'Let The Right One In' for the longest time. Badass vampires... if only.

"Just because I don't senselessly kill every human in my path doesn't mean I'm a creampuff," Edward said, obviously offended as they walked into the movie theatre.

"Yeah, I understand that, Edward, but seriously... Badass vampires don't sparkle and they don't get pregnant," Jacob sighed.

"I could be badass if I wanted to," Edward pouted adorably.

Jacob grinned at Edward's adorable face and said, "Of course you could, Edward. Geez, you know you look exactly like a ten year old when you pout like that?"

"I do not pout," Edward said defiantly, but Jacob just grinned some more and sat down, patting the seat next to him. Edward sat down, and then suddenly asked, "Is this going to be a scary movie?"

"Not by my standards, no," Jacob responded, and looked at the uneasy expression on Edward's face quizzically. "Why?"

Edward mumbled something that Jacob couldn't quite hear.

"What was that?" Jacob asked.

"I don't like scary movies," Edward admitted, and to Jacob's slight mortification, Edward grasped his sleeve and said, "You won't mind if I hide my face in your arm when the bad stuff comes on, right?"

"...No, I won't mind," Jacob assured with a bit of a smile, and felt Edward's hand relax on his sleeve slightly.


	8. In Which We Learn Of Jasper's First Love

**I'm back! I hope you didn't hate me too much in my absence, and I'm really sorry about the business with the new Jacob Black for New Moon... Not really, but I do try to be cordial.**

**Disclaimer- Twilight isn't mine, but Edward Cullen's my bitch.**

Chapter 8

"That was a really good movie!" Edward gushed as they walked out into the sweaty Forks night.

Jacob smiled at this comment in spite of himself. Edward had been clutching his arm in fear for so long that the werewolf wouldn't have been surprised if the appendage had joined the legions of the undead. Nonetheless, it looked like he had genuinely enjoyed himself. Maybe all the vampire really needed was to get the stick out of his ass more often. He could be really fun when he wasn't playing up to Bella's fantasies of Victorian sensitivities.

"Next time we do this, though..._ if_ we do it, I mean. I hate you, after all... I'll pick the movie," Edward continued as an afterthought. "If my heart worked in the first place, it wouldn't be any more."

"Another advantage to being undead, huh?" Jacob jibed as they got into the Volvo. "You sparkle, you get all the girls, and you can survive scary movies."

"There are disadvantages too," Edward huffed, and was about to go into a long and detailed diatribe about how he couldn't be near the ones he loved and how he had been ever so lonely for over a century when Jacob interrupted with a gentle:

"Trust me, I know."

"Jacob Black, are you trying to shut me up?" Edward asked, slightly offended.

"Guilty as charged," Jacob grinned in a British accent that vaguely recalled James Bond. Edward smiled back, unable to stop himself. There was an awkward silence that spanned about ten seconds. Then without warning the two teenagers had given way to their hormones and started making out right there in the Volvo.

Charlie Swan was not sure he liked movies with vampires in them. Such a fate was really beyond his imagination, and he didn't particularly fancy getting his entertainment out of the lives of bloodthirsty and immortal killers. In the future, he'd take Bella's advice about what movies were good or not. He was about to go to his car when he was stopped by the rather odd sight of Jacob Black making out with Edward Cullen in the front seat of the Cullens' Volvo.

At first Charlie was too shocked to move from his spot in front of the movie theatre. Eventually, however, he started regaining some semblance of his cranial functions. The first thought going through his head was that Jacob Black was a good kid, and that this couldn't possibly be Billy's boy doing... doing _that_ to Edward Cullen. His second thought was that Bella would be very disappointed if news like this ever got out, so he probably shouldn't arrest the two for making a public spectacle out of themselves. His third thought was that he and Doctor Cullen were going to have a little chat about his son's behaviour in the morning.

* * *

"You're late!" Alice grinned as Edward and Jacob walked through the door, matching conspirational grins on their faces. "The movie ended at eleven. Where've you been for the last hour or so?"

"Gentlemen don't speak of such things," Edward said loftily, and went to the fridge for a snack before he went to settle in for the night.

"While you guys were gone, me and Bella had a great time," Alice said absently. "We painted each other's fingernails... then we watched Rent. Then we had a pillow fight. Then Bella had to go home. I don't think she noticed what I wrote on her nails."

"Alice, you're cool and everything, but you can do better than Bella. And she needs a bit of a stronger pointer than you painting 'I love you' on her fingernails," Jacob said as gently as he could while Edward scarfed down pickles.

"But I put visual aids on the thumbnails! Little pink hearts!" Alice said dismayed, then was interrupted by a quick pain to her head. The sensation wasn't too unfamiliar, but it had been a while since Alice had had a vision brought about purely by the necessity of exposition, so it took her by surprise.

Jacob noticed Alice's pained silence, and asked, "Do you need a glass of water, Alice?"

"No thanks... Bella's dad knows about you two, by the way," Alice said matter-of-factly, causing Edward to choke on a pickle rather dramatically. "And he's going to talk to Carlisle about the whole affair tomorrow morning. I suggest you two play nice for the visit."

"Edward and Jacob are in trouble!" Jasper sang out from the second floor.

"Shut up, you freak!" Jacob retorted.

"Really, Jacob, do you want to wake up the whole neighbourhood?" Jasper said, oozing down the staircase. The other three stared at him.

"Jasper... why are you dressed like Lestat?" Alice finally asked tentatively while Edward banged his head against the table.

It hadn't been so long (nay, a mere few decades), since Anne Rice had published her first vampire book, Interview With A Vampire. Jasper had been taken by that book and the ones that followed, particularly tickled by the decadent French Lestat de Lioncourt. In fact, he was Lestat's biggest fanboy. When the movie had come out he had watched it eleven times, all in Lestat cosplay, and he still had a poster of Tom Cruise pinned to the ceiling of his bedroom, just above his bed (he could spend hours lying on his bed; it was insane). The Cullens once had to completely relocate from a small town once due to Jasper's uncontrollable rage about the pathetic movie Queen of the Damned. Lately, however, his obsession with the Vampire Chronicles had waned, especially when he realized he wasn't getting any extra attention out of it. Now it looked like he had a good reason to start it up again.

"I am not _dressed_ like Lestat, _ma cherie._ No, I _am_ the vampire Lestat," Jasper grinned, inadvertently revealing that he had inserted fake fangs into his mouth.

Alice sighed and said, "Let's talk about this upstairs, Jasper."

They left, and Edward said, "Things are going to be a little weird now, Jacob. Sorry about this."

Jacob couldn't even begin to register what he'd just seen. Suddenly, the fact that his immortal boyfriend was pregnant didn't seem that weird.


	9. In Which Carlisle Voices His Doubts

**Quick update! Yes! I'm sorry, it somehow got serious as I was writing this... Also, any views on touchy subjects such as abortion are not expressly mine. They're my interpretation of the characters'...**

**Disclaimer- Not mine. Never was. Never will be. Except in the alternate universe where in actuality I wrote the Twilight series, and in the other alternate universe where I married Stephenie Meyer when she was old, then when she died got all the proceeds off of her work... Not mine here.**

Chapter Nine

Carlisle did not want to deal with Charlie Swan right now. He was busy setting up for Edward's first ultrasound, and things were complicated enough, what with Jasper acting out again, Alice slowly coming to terms with her feelings for Bella, and Edward and Jacob seemingly unable to drive home from a movie without dealing with their feelings for each other indiscreetly. He would have to talk with Edward quite firmly about keeping his hands to himself in public.

"How are you faring, my dear?" Esme asked from the top of the basement stairs. "Do you need any help?"

"No, thank you," Carlisle smiled at his wife. "The machine will be in working order for Edward's ultrasound tomorrow."

"Oh, how lovely," Esme gushed. She loved babies and children in general, which was why Carlisle had made an entire family for her.

Carlisle smiled again at her radiant happiness for Edward, and let his mind wander to Edward and Jacob's relationship. Would they ever be able to love each other as much as Carlisle loved Esme? Right now Carlisle could see that it was only Edward's sensibilities that were stopping him from even internally accepting Jacob as his partner. Then again, Edward's sensibilities were very strong, one of the only things he could trust in, to be honest. So much had changed for him that he had clung to everything he had been taught when he was mortal, from the chivalry and his outdated speech patterns to his stringent social beliefs. Some part of Carlisle knew that Edward probably subconsciously kept to homophobic sensibilities, and these were even now eating away at his conscience...

"Dear? are you profiling Edward again?" Esme huffed. "Don't. It will only drive you mad. You know that."

"Yes, of course my dear," Carlisle said, and wiped his hands on his shirt as he finished with the ultrasound. "I just worry for him. His situation would be alien to any boy his age... I mean mentality, but his..."

"He'll come to par with it. He has to," Esme assured. "One thing you know about Edward is that he adopts well to things he can't control."

"Which is why he controls everything he can," Carlisle muttered, almost to himself. "I worry for the child inside him, as well. It is still young enough that he could..." He left the thought hanging.

"He would do no such thing," Esme said vehemently. "He knows that the life inside of him is a gift. He has seen my pain, and he has learnt well from it. He would not do something so senseless."

"I'm sorry Esme. I do not doubt your parenting abilities, nor do I doubt Edward," Carlisle murmured placatingly. "Let's turn in for the night. Charlie Swan is coming over tomorrow and I'm still stumped about what I'm going to tell him."

"We'll figure it out. We always do," Esme smiled assuringly, and they left the basement together.

Meanwhile, in his room, Edward listened to Carlisle and Esme's thoughts. He know they had discouraged this as much as they could when they learned of his talent, but he sometimes couldn't help himself. Bad habits died hard. At first, he felt indignation that Carlisle would think him capable of killing a child, especially when that child was so helpless. Edward might have hated his situation, but not enough that he would willingly murder a child! Then he remembered how he felt when the final, unescapable truth had been presented to him. He had felt doubt, of course, and a lot of humiliation, embarrassment like he had never felt before. But most of all, he remembered the anger. The anger with himself, with Jacob Black... with their child.

"Jacob, wake up," he hissed, whacking the pillow against Jacob's head. Jacob swore incoherently and opened his eyes.

"There's got to be a better way of waking me up," he said, annoyed until he saw the look in Edward's eyes. "You look like it's the end of the world. What's eating you?"

"Nothing. I'm at the top of the food chain," Edward jibed weakly, inexplicably feeling the need to quote the Lion King before he asked the question. "Jacob... do you think I should have this baby?"

"Whoa. Where the heck did that come from?" Jacob asked, now fully awake. He sat up and gestured for Edward to sit down.

"I was thinking... well no, not really. Esme and Carlisle were thinking, and I drew some of my own conclusions... but I don't know if I'm prepared, Jacob! If you're prepared! I'm going to live forever, and maybe our child will too, and you'll die, because you're mortal and I don't want to doom you to a fate worse than death because ithinkiloveyou and I know it's wrong but it feels so right but at the same time if I smell another cup of coffee, I'll throw up, you know? And what if our child is mortal? What if I have to watch you both die?" Edward said all in a rush, wringing his hands in dismay. "And I don't know how I'm even going to have the baby! I mean, I'm not scared of a Caesarean section or anything, especially not by Carlisle's able hands, but what if it dies? What if _I_ die, somehow?"

"Hang on a minute, leech!" Jacob all but yelled. It seemed the only way to get Edward's attention when he was being irrational was to insult him. "Come on, think about it for a moment. First of all, do you really think I would have stayed if I wasn't willing to look after the baby with you? I'm telling you I'd be more than capable of getting out of this place without you guys noticing. I'm cool like that. Second, I know you've been through this immortality thing about a thousand times with Bella, and if she doesn't care, then neither will I. The point of life is that things die. Even if you were mortal there's always the possibility that you'd have to endure my death or the baby's death. That's the way things go. I know technically it's impossible for you, but live a little," Jacob grinned a little. "Take this for what it is."

"And what is this?" Edward asked, a tear dripping down his cheek. "I've never been so scared in all of my years, Jacob."

"It's life, Edward," Jacob said softly. "Life scares people. That's how we know we're living."

Edward grinned through his tears, and glomped Jacob gratefully. Jacob patted him on the back, trying not to think of how good the vampire smelled at that exact moment, or how soft his copper hair was between his fingertips.

Meanwhile, Alice was rubbing her temples. She never got migraines outside of her visions, but Jasper was close as he'd ever been to giving her one.

"Jasper..."

"Lestat!"

"Lestat... you need to stop this," she pleaded. "You know how this behaviour escalates and gets out of hand. You also know we all love you. There's no need to vye for our attention. You're the ineffable Jasper Hale, not the vampire Lestat. That's good enough for anyone."

"Not good enough for you. You like that brunette bimbo over me," Jasper pouted. "I don't understand it, Alice. If I got you knocked up, Carlisle would throw me out within the second. When the goody two-shoes gets pregnant, we practically welcome the in-laws with open arms. And if I were gay, I would _so_ get the safe-sex talk. Eddie's probably been boinking Jacob since the mutt moved in, and there's narry a condom being forced on him. It's not fair."

"Well, condoms are a little bit redundant, Jasper... I mean Lestat. I mean, Edward's already pregnant, isn't he? What more could happen?" Alice reasoned.

"Yeah, but it's the principle of the thing!" Jasper exclaimed, taking Alice by the shoulders and shaking her briefly. His Southern accent was really coming out now, and his hair was coming loose of its gigantic blue ribbon. "You don't see it, because you're so common-sensical, but I do! It's special treatment for the golden boy! Again!"

"You're allowed to go around in Post-Revolutionary drag, Jasper. You're not so far done," Alice said snappily.

"This isn't drag! _This_ is a waistcoat!"

"Yeah? Well, you're not in love with a mortal who was until very recently lusting after your pregnant adapted brother, and your one true love's father is most certainly not coming over tomorrow to denounce what-all's going on around here, and your one true love's father is probably not going to discover what you painted on her fingernails, and use that as hard evidence attesting to our family's perversion, and you probably don't care if we move again..."

"You saw all that?" Jasper asked open-mouthed. His fangs fell out. He didn't care.

"No. Not really. I was just speculating," Alice admitted, wrapping her arms around herself. "The point is, Jasper, we've got enough on our hands without having to deal with your silliness. Please stop?"

Jasper looked at the ground for a minute in disappointment, and finally said, "Only if you promise to read The Vampire Lestat to me each night for a month."

"I promise, Jasper," Alice smiled. It was small compensation for the peace that was now guaranteed to the household on that front.


	10. In Which Rosalie Is Bitter

**Another update. I like Howl's Moving Castle. That is all.**

**Disclaimer- If I wrote Twilight, chances are I'd be dead by now... I'd have killed me.**

Chapter Ten

When Charlie Swan came to visit that day, Carlisle was read for him. He sat Bella's father down at the Cullens' redundant dinner table, offered him a steaming cup of coffee with fresh-baked cookies, and put some relaxing Elgar on the radio. Charlie wondered vaguely how such a nice man could have raised such an unruly and moody son.

"You've come to discuss my son's behaviour at the movie theatre the other night," Carlisle said pleasantly, and stirred his coffee. "I assure you I've given Edward a very stern talking-to. It will never happen again."

"I have absolutely no doubt about that," Charlie assured earnestly. "But I am still worried about him and Jake Black, and so's his father. I don't mean any disrespect, but it's generally known that your family doesn't get along very well with the reserve. And lately, they've been seeing less and less of Jacob. I'd been meaning to talk with him about it the next time he came over, but now I think it's reasonably clear what he's been doing with his time."

"I'd been meaning to address that issue with Jacob's family, but frankly, I am not welcome on the reserve," Carlisle said, taking a small sip of his coffee and wincing. "I will not lie, Charlie. I requested that Jacob come and stay with us, but for very valid reasons."

"Valid reasons?"

"Yes," Carlisle nodded. "Firstly, I was worried for his safety. As you know, my family is not on good terms with the people of the reserve. I did not think that they would take the news of Jacob and Edward's relationship very well, and they might have tried to hurt Jacob or my son. I know you think that this is highly improbable, and in retrospect, I see my judgement could have been a little extreme, but I still think I am in the right, and Jacob is free to return if he likes. Ultimately that is his decision. Secondly, the effect that Jacob has had on my son, well," Carlisle took another sip of his coffee, "Well, it has been very profound. For Edward's well-being, it is important that Jacob is close to him at all times."

"I don't understand. Is Edward sick?" Charlie said, frowning slightly. "If that's the case, I still don't see why Jacob would have to be living here."

"Edward is not sick," Carlisle said softly, "but he is undergoing some changes in his life, and it was generally agreed that it would be best if Jacob stayed with him for these changes."

"Dr. Cullen, you don't understand my position," Charlie finally said after a moment. "Billy Black wants to know where his son's been and what he's been doing. I don't want to have to be vague with him. He's a good friend of mine. You have to tell me everything that's been going on."

"Of course, Mr. Swan. I'm sorry. Please come with me. Everything will be explained in due time," Carlisle said, finally realizing that he needed to tell Charlie and the reserve the truth for the most peaceful resolution to this conflict. "But you have to promise me that what I'm going to show you will be kept between us, you and your daughter, and the reserve."

"All right," Charlie said uncertainly. Carlisle smiled, and beckoned for the aging police officer to follow.

The rest of the Cullen family and Jacob Black were gathered in the basement. Charlie looked at Carlisle with a raised eyebrow, but sat down in the chair that was offered to him. The lights were dimmed, and Carlisle wheeled a bed that was connected to a screen to the centre of the room, and silently gestured for Edward to get on it. Edward did so, and rolled his sweater away from his stomach. Charlie looked on with an increasing sense of deja vu. It was only when Carlisle started to apply a bluish gel to Edward's belly that Charlie managed to place the situation before him; this was exactly like Renee's first ultrasound when she was pregnant with Bella.

"Oh my God," Charlie muttered shocked, then inexplicably felt a wave of calm wash over him. He instinctively looked at the blond Cullen boy, who mouthed, "It's okay," before turning to watch the ultrasound. Charlie calmed himself a little more, than continued to watch the procedure, despite all of his questions and doubts. Already vague pictures were starting to show up on the screen, barely visible so far.

"How many are there?" Edward asked anxiously. It sounded as though he'd been worried about this for a long while.

"Only one, it looks like," Carlisle said with a bit of a smile. "Cute little fellow, too. That's a leg..."

All of the women in the basement let out a collective 'awww'. Charlie realized that the Cullens seemed deadly serious about this impossible pregnancy, and was about to object to this affront of science when he felt another surge of calmness hit him. At that exact moment, Edward speared Jasper with a glare that spoke volumes.

After several more moments of gooey ultrasound moments, Charlie felt the overwhelming calm start to dissipate, just as Carlisle started to wipe the gel from Edward's midsection.

"Um... Dr. Cullen...?" he finally asked.

"So you see why I didn't want to tell you the whole truth?" Carlisle asked, and started unhooking the equipment and rolling it back to its storage room. "I knew it is unacceptable to a rational mind such as yours. But you will tell the reserve, right?"

"I honestly don't know how I can. This would be bad enough if Edward were a girl and the pregnancy were biologically viable... how did he get pregnant, anyhow?" Charlie asked after a pause.

"I'm still not completely sure, to tell the truth," Carlisle admitted. "I haven't seen anything like this in all my years of medical practice. However, the child and the mo... Edward are both healthy as one could expect. When he reaches full term, Edward will undergo a Caesarean section. I will perform the surgery myself."

"You truly are serious about this?" Charlie asked. "I need to sit down..."

Meanwhile, Jacob was walking with Edward in the Cullens' backyard. As grown men, they were both trying to conceal their emotion about the ultrasound and its results. Their conversation went something like this:

"So yeah."

"Yeah."

"That was pretty cool."

"Yeah."

"I mean, that baby's just... yeah."

"And it's ours."

"Uh-huh."

"Yep."

Then there was an awkward silence, broken only by the sound of the wind blowing through the trees. Then Rosalie came out and stiffly said, "Swan's gone, so you can stop being so well-behaved now."

Jacob and Edward stared at Rosalie's retreating form, then Edward asked, "What do you think your family will think?"

"Honestly? I think they'll be questioning my judgement. Nobody in their right mind should sleep with leeches. Waaay too much baggage for one sane mortal," Jacob shrugged. "I mean, from day one you've been pretty bi-polar..."

"I'm not bi-polar, I'm disillusioned," Edward huffed. That's what Esme said, anyhow...

"And moody..."

"I'm pregnant!"

"And pretty much a downright bitch in every respect," Jacob grinned, forcing a hug on Edward.

"I'm not as bitchy as Rosalie," Edward mumbled.

"I don't have to share a room with Rosalie," Jacob pointed out.

"Careful. She can read minds," Edward said gravely. Jacob paled and his jaw dropped before Edward started laughing at him. The other quickly recovered and tousled Edward's hair. From a window, Rosalie watched.

"You're jealous," Emmett said quietly from behind her. Rosalie nodded, and looked away from the window.

"It's not fair," she said quietly. "A child is all I've ever wanted, Emmett. How is it that he will bear a child without persecution, and I remain barren by necessity?"

Emmett didn't answer her; he didn't know how.


	11. In Which Edward Tries To Rest

**Another update! I know, a miracle. In Twilight news, I heard that the guy who directed the fawesome movie 30 Days Of Night is slated to direct Eclipse. I may actually shell out to see that one...**

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer, David Bowie, please don't sue me.**

Chapter Eleven

The next day, Edward decided that he would stay in bed until it was traditionally time for the mortals to go to sleep. He had decided this because a) he was pregnant and could do whatever the heck he wanted and b) nothing was happening today. Absolutely nothing. Zilch. It was going to be a lazy day, perfect for rest.

Unfortunately, he forgot the crucial fact that he and his surroundings were currently under my control, and like hell was I going to let him rest in peace (ha, pun) for that long.

Edward shut his blinds and then wrapped himself up in the blankets on his bed. Then he sighed happily and closed his eyes. It was the closest thing he could get to warm and cuddly in his current, marble-cold state. He was swimming in the softness of the bed, and totally in tune with his baby. If he shut himself off from the outside world enough, he could hear the baby's amorphous and cuddly thoughts. Then...

_'I, I will be king_

_And you, you will be queen_

_Though nothing will drive them away_

_We can beat them, just for one day_

_We can be Heroes, just for one day...'_

Edward's eyes shot open, and he looked around frantically. He knew for sure that his sweet and innocent child had not thought those... those words. But everywhere now, everywhere in the house he could only hear the Satanistic crooning of... _the Bowie_.

There were many reasons that Edward Cullen disliked the seventies. For one thing, the Vietnam War. Enough said. Also, the Beatles disbanded in the seventies, Edward had developed his neurotic fear of horror movies when he watched The Exorcist in '73, and _polyester_ got invented near the end of the damned decade. But what really topped the whole bloody affair was the music.

Somewhere in the seventies, musicians turned off their cranial functions, teased their hair to ridiculous lengths, and then wore very tight, animal-printed, clothing. Then, in that condition, they would 'sing'. This movement was known as glam rock, and continues to defy all logic and science to this very day.

Jasper loved it. Loved it so much, in fact that, that he started to idolize the epitome of this ridiculous movement, the one called David Bowie, aka Ziggy Stardust, and also Satan's Spawn. He dressed like David Bowie, he bought all of his vinyls, and he played them as loudly as he could on his retrograde gramophone. Then, a mere four years after the release of The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust, Anne Rice unleashed her first Lestat-centric book Interview With A Vampire, and relative peace was granted to the Cullen household.

Edward forgotten that it was on lazy idyllic days such as the one presently being ruined that Jasper got nostalgic and put on his glam rock playlist, loud enough to be enjoyed in the next hemisphere.

Edward yelled quite gutturally into his pillow and hid his face as a traditional vampire would cower in the sunlight. When it was clear making a spectacle of himself was only exhausting and didn't stop the torment, the pregnant teenager finally stormed out of his room, down the hall, and through Jasper's door. In retrospect, it probably would have been better for him to open the door before walking through it, but Edward was on a mission.

Jasper didn't even notice that there was an Edward shaped hole where a door used to be. He was currently playing guitar with a broom handle and his hair was sprayed so that it contributed about twenty inches to his already notable height.

"Jasper," Edward presently said, "would you kindly turn down your 'music'?"

Jasper looked up, a little startled by Edward's sudden presence.

"Why the hell would I want to do that?" he yelled over a guitar solo.

"Because I'm trying to rest, and you're annoying me," Edward said.

"Screw that. Camp out at Bella's, if you want boring," Jasper said eloquently, and proceeded to tune out Edward as he continued to plead, yell and threaten.

"I _swear_, Jasper Hale, if you don't turn down that 'music' _right now_, I will** murder** you!" Edward said, stomping his foot on the floor angrily. He looked quite a fearsome sight in his stretchy polka dot pyjamas which didn't quite cover his developing baby bump. No, scratch that. He looked absolutely adorable, which probably annoyed him to no end.

"God, Marilyn, stop bitching," Jasper smirked.

"Did you just call me Marilyn _again_?" Edward seethed. It was a long running joke, ever since Edward had told Jasper his real name. Jasper had misheard him, for instead of hearing 'Masen', he thought Edward had said 'Manson'. Ever since then, Jasper called Edward 'Marilyn' when he wanted to get his surrogate brother annoyed, and it always worked.

"Yep. Sure did. What are you going to do about it?" Jasper grinned.

"I'll... I'll tell Carlisle on you!" Edward snapped. Jasper snorted. "Well, if you want to be that way about it, Hale. At least I don't dress in drag."

"I told you, the Lestat cosplay is NOT drag! It's a waistcoat and trousers," Jasper yelled defensively. Edward, feeling satisfied that he had gotten under Jasper's skin, left the room. He had completely forgotten what he had went there for, but he didn't even care. He'd go to the attic to rest.

He wasn't bothered until a full hour later, when he went downstairs to get his pickles. He was eating them right out of the jar, and wondering if pickle juice tasted as good as it smelled, when someone shrieked, "THIS IS DRAG!"

Edward looked up to see Jasper Hale, wearing one of Alice's skimpier ball gowns. He was wearing a hastily stuffed bra (Probably Rosalie's judging by the amount of Kleenex), and he had knotted his hair into a simple bun. Edward was swinging between the impulse to laugh loudly at Jasper and incredulity that anyone would go that far to prove a point. Luckily, he was spared the effort of reacting by Jacob walking through the door.

"Oh hi Edward, I was just out getting some groceries with the girls, and I thought you could do with some..." Jacob trailed off as he actually registered the scene before him.

"All right. I'll bite," he sighed. "Is that the nanny?"

Jasper slowly, icily turned around.

"For your information, Jacob, _I _am not frumpy enough to be anyone's nanny," he said, full of dignity, and trippingly exited. Jacob watched Jasper.

"Was that...?" he asked, still a little lost, then the penny dropped. "_Oh_."

"Don't ask," Edward sighed, and crunched on another pickle. "What were you saying, dear?"


	12. In Which Jasper Fails At Stories

**Figured I might as well update while I have some idea of where I'm going. I heard this song the other day, and I thought of Twilight. It's called _Boy Band_ by The Arrogant Worms. There's lines in there about bodies glistening and them being old enough to be dating my mom. I think it suits the Cullen boys to a tee. :)**

**I saw Wolverine and Star Trek in the span of two days. Yes, I'm a nerd. Yes, I read the original comics and watched the original series. And yes, I geeked out in the aftermath of both films. Bite me.**

**Disclaimer- Twilight is to me as The Stand is to Stephenie Meyer. And yes, I support Stephen King in whatever he chooses to do.**

Chapter Twelve

It had been some time since Edward had been out in public, and for good reason. His baby bump, though absolutely adorable, was getting more noticeable as the weeks went by, and he had less and less clothes that effectively covered it up. Right now, he was choosing between a stretchy Marilyn Manson shirt (Jasper bought it for him on Alice's dare), and a frilly pink maternity shirt that had parts in it that Edward would never be able to fill out. After a moment of contemplating the Catch-22 situation, Edward finally took the lesser of two evils. He pulled the maternity shirt on and went downstairs to see Jacob.

"Hey Edward," Jacob said, barely sparing Edward's getup a second glance. It was a step forward. Mere weeks ago he would have been lauging outright at Edward, but now he was far more appreciative of Edward's plight. "Bella snuck out of her house to visit and bring me food."

"Hi Edward!" Bella said cheerfully, and hugged the copperhaired Adonis affectionately. "Oh my God, you're getting so _big_! Does the baby kick?"

"Yeah, all the time," Edward nodded. He was in a good mood, so he forced Bella's hand against his swelling belly so she could feel the baby move. "It does cartwheels all the time when I'm trying to rest."

"That's the Jacob in him!" Bella laughed. "Isn't that right, you little cutie-pie? I bet you're going to look just like your mommy, yes you will! _Yes you will_!"

Edward shrugged off the mommy comment and asked, "Bella, why do you have to sneak out? Is your father giving you trouble for coming?"

"Sort of. Yeah. He's concerned with the idea that I was until recently dating a guy who's pregnant with his fishing buddy's son's baby. Which is kinda understandable, considering his position," Bella said, scrunching up her forehead. "To tell the truth, I think he's thinking of moving... but I won't EVER leave! I want to help take care of the baby! I can be his nanny, because Jasper in a dress won't give the baby the motherly affection he needs!"

"I heard that!" Jasper's voice said faintly from upstairs. He was still pouting in his room two weeks after the Ziggy Stardust Drag Incident. Nobody cared.

"That's nice Bella, but you forgot that we have Esme, Alice, and Rosalie to provide all the motherly affection the kid could possibly need," Jacob said, "Plus we have the real mommy to spoil her," he added, punching Edward affectionately on the shoulder.

"Do you think it's a girl then?" Bella asked Jacob. "I think it's a boy, personally."

"I don't know. Either way, we're going to have a helluva time thinking of a name," Jacob said.

"I was always partial to Stephen for a boy. Or Stephenie for a girl," Bella said dreamily. "Two of my favourite authors, and they practically have the same name!"

"Who are they? Stephen King and...?" Jacob asked, a little confused.

"Oh. Oh yeah. Just Stephen King. Sorry," Bella said, knocking herself over the head. "I have no idea what I was thinking just then. What about you though, Jacob? What names do you like?"

"I don't know. I guess a name will come to me. You Edward?" Jacob asked curiously.

"I think if it's a girl, I'll name her Emma. I always liked that name, it reminds me of the twenties," Edward said honestly. "If it's a boy though, I'd name him Aaron. That's a nice name for a boy."

"Oooh," Jasper said from the stairway. "_Aaron_."

"Yes, Jasper, what's your problem?" Edward asked pointedly.

"Don't think I don't remember, Edward," Jasper said sweetly. He half-walked, half-slid down the stairs, and came to rest with his arms entwined around Edward's shoulders. "Your little... _thing_ in the eighties."

"What's he talking about, Edward?" Jacob asked, suddenly a little suspicious. "He seems a little slimier than usual."

"It was a stupid thing," Edward dismissed, his cheeks going a little red through some illogical flow of blood to his face. "Something that had slipped my mind until this idiot brought it up. Never mind about Aaron, though. I don't like that name anymore."

"No, no, I want to tell the story," Jasper pouted, then launched into his tale without further ado. "In the eighties, Edward went with me to see the Lost Boys movie. A mistake, as it turned out. That film sucks royally. But anyhow, there was this very _in_-teresting young man watching the movie the evening we went, and he was taking a very_ in_-teresting course at MIT (we were in Massachusetts at the time, y'see), and Edward found him so _in-_teresting that he gave his... ahem... _full attention_ to this young man's talk about Engineering and Physics. To be brief, Edwad paid for his popcorn and admission and then gave him a kiss," Jasper finished. The slight frown on his face signalled that even he knew how anticlimactic this story was. "But his name was Aaron!"

Bella and Jacob stared at Jasper, not comprehending.

"So?" Jacob said after a moment.

"So _there_!" Jasper said defensively, and then ran back up to his room.

"Well... it's not cheating if Jacob wasn't born yet," was all that Edward said.

The rest of the day was spent in befuddled silence.


	13. In Which Alice Loses Her Cool

**Jasper, it was great, but you're an attention whore.**

**Disclaimer- Not mine, and I mean it this time.**

Chapter Thirteen

The next day was very quiet, for no discernible reason. To tell the truth, everyone in the Cullen household was relievd about the lack of Jasper's hijinx. Finally, it got a little too quiet, and Alice was enlisted to go to Jasper's room and make sure that he hadn't doused himself in gasoline and in the process of hacking himself to bits. Alice rolled her eyes and brought Emmett with her so that way if Jasper was homicidal, then Emmett would be the sacrifice. Bella waited anxiously down the hall, because, to tell the truth, she was worried for Alice (though she wasn't ready to admit that yet).

Five seconds passed uneventfully, and then Alice came out of Jasper's bedroom, quite alive and a little annoyed.

"I found this note on Jasper's pillow," she said, handing the piece of paper to Carlisle and then going to Bella with the intention of inviting her to a movie. Emmett went back to his make-out session with Rosalie.

Jasper's note went as follows:

_Dear everyone:_

_I HATE YOU ALL AND I'M RUNNING AWAY! FOR REAL THIS TIME!_

Here there was a very large and sloppy sad face, complete with prominent fangs and sparkles.

_PS: I'm also getting a tattoo. So there, Emmett._

Carlisle sighed, crumpled the piece of paper, and then threw it in the wastebasket.

"Well, considering it's impossible for someone impenetrable to get tattoos, I'm assuming that he's coming back come nightfall," Edward assured as he registered the note on Carlisle's mind. He was wandering around with his trademark jar of pickles.

"I've told you about eavesdropping, Edward," Carlisle said patiently. "Be a good lad now, and check to see if Jasper took his David Bowie collection with him."

"Yes he did!" Emmett called down.

"Oh well," Carlisle sighed with a shrug of his shoulders. "Let's just hope he doesn't get in with the wrong crowd."

And that was the end of that conversation. Nobody worried that much about Jasper, because he was sensible enough to keep out of trouble, for however long he planned on leaving. Let's just pretend that Jasper didn't go to Texas so he could get into a motorcycle gang, that the initiation didn't involve doing several things that were very questionable in their moral fibre. Let's keep it from our minds that the hazing was so traumatizing that Jasper would never talk about it again. Instead, let's go to Alice's room, where she and Bella were hanging out and getting ready for the movie.

"Alice, you're so cool!" Bella said happily. "I wanted to go see the sixth Harry Potter, but apparently I'm getting too old for that. This'll be great! Almost like a date!"

"Almost..." Alice muttered imperceptibly, and then grinned brightly as she turned back to Bella. "We should go a little earlier, to shop for Edward. He can't go out like he is, you see, and anyhow, it's weird when he shops anywhere but Abercombie and Fitch. And Abercombie and Fitch doesn't seem to have maternity wear."

Bella laughed lightheartedly, and said, "Alice, you're so funny. If you were a guy I would totally go out with you."

Alice looked like she might have screamed out of frustration. Then she pulled Bella close to her by the lapels of her blouse and kissed her quite violently. When she released Bella, the mortal looked quite dumbfounded.

"Oh, so that's what you meant with my nails?" she said, displaying her nails, which still said 'I love you' on the fingers. "I get it now...."

This time Alice really did scream out of frustration.

"Bella, out of all the brunettes in the world who also smell like ambrosia, why did I have to fall for the one who is in fact, quite blonde?" she asked calmly after she had collected her senses and stopped pulling out her hair.

"Sister, I know where you're coming from," Jacob consoled from the doorway, and then ran away hastily when he saw Alice's murderous look.

"Whoa! Not Jacob too!" Bella exclaimed. "I`m irresistable! Cool!"

That remark was met with depressed silence from everyone within the Cullen household. Finally, Alice decided to be big about the whole thing.

"I am sorry, Bella," said she courteously, "It is clear you do not return my affections. I promise I will stop hitting on you..."

Her self-demeaning exercise in self-denial was broken off by Bella`s lips.

"We can talk about this later," the sex-starved teen whispered against Alice`s mouth. "But right now, I`m bored."

So you see, there can be pretty happy endings...


	14. In Which Jacob Pops The Question

**Well, Jasper very nearly took this story for himself. Someone remind me to write him a story of his own, if I find the time. I keep on thinking I'm focussing less and less on Edward's pregnancy and more and more on interesting stuff... a sure sign he'll be delivering soon.**

**Disclaimer- If Twilight was mine, would I be taking the crap out of it?**

Chapter Fourteen

Edward was worried for Alice. She was acting all effervescent and lovestruck. Also, the Cullens had been seeing less and less of both Alice and Bella ever since the day they basically committed to each other. It seemed all of their time was taken up by movies, dinners out or shopping. Edward suddenly wondered, as he sat down in an extremely comfortable lazy chair, if he had ever been like that around Bella. So he decided to ask Emmett. Not a wise decision on his part, really.

"Emmett, was I ever like Alice is around Bella?" he asked his brother, who was surfing channels on the Cullens' television.

"Eh? Oh yeah. All the time," Emmett said, preoccupied by some reality show. "Have you seen what they make these people _eat_? It's insane..."

"Surely I didn't sigh all the time like that," Edward insisted.

"I'm telling you, Edward, you were just as lovesick and about ten times as emo as Alice is right now," Emmett said impatiently, then his face cracked into a grin. "That reminds me of a drinking game me and Jasper had going on while you were pining after her. Every time you sighed her name, we'd take a swig of beer. If we were mortal, we would probably be dead from alcohol poisoning by now..."

"You drank alcohol?" Edward asked with a distasteful grimace.

"Hell yeah. That was part of the fun, right? We could have easily spat it out, instead of actually swallowing it, but we didn't. Man, I miss Jasper," Emmett admitted, "Even if he dressed like a biker drag queen and liked to use his outdoor voice when I was about two inches away from him..."

"But don't you think something's wrong with Alice?" Edward asked, trying to keep his brother on topic.

"Naw. Bella just sucks the life-force out of everyone she gets romantically involved with. That's my theory, anyhow," Emmett said vaguely, and started to watch the Fear Factor rerun, completely oblivious of Edward's other anxious questions. After a moment, Emmett silenced Edward with a reassuring, "No worries, Edward. Even if Alice is dead inside, we still get girl-on-girl action. Sweet."

Edward decided not to dignify that with a response, got up from his chair (with some difficulty; his back was killing him), and sought out Jacob. His boyfriend was sitting with Esme in the kitchen, talking about something and stopping as soon as he walked in.

"Hey Edward," Jacob said, too innocently. "What's up? You look like Jasper came back with David Bowie as his bitch."

"What were you two talking about?" Edward asked, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"Don't worry about it, Edward. Tell us what you wanted," Esme said gently.

"I'm worried for Alice. Do you think she's acting natural?" Edward asked worried, and gratefully took the chair that Jacob offered for him.

"She's fine, and so's Bella," Esme assured with a dazzling smile. "They're adorable together."

"Alice is cool," Jacob nodded in agreement. "That balances out Bella's life-sucking qualities quite nicely."

There was an empty silence as Esme and Jacob waited for Edward to leave. Edward looked from one to another, and almost decided to infiltrate Jacob's mind. Then he stopped himself. He had decided long ago that he wouldn't read Jacob's mind. The shapeshifter trusted him not to. And he couldn't check up on Esme because she always knew and she always reprimanded him, which wasn't worth knowing whatever they were hiding from him. He finally shuffled out and went back to Emmett.

"Emmett," he said quietly, "What's Esme keeping from me?"

"I dunno," Emmett said vaguely, "They wouldn't tell me so that way you couldn't read my mind."

"Damn!" Edward said vehemently, and then said, "Do you think that Carlisle knows?"

"I think everyone knows except for us, Edward," Emmett said inefectually, and turned to Edward, "Don't get your knickers in a knot, Edward. I'm sure you'll know everything sooner or later."

"But I want to know now," Edward said childishly.

"Just relax. Rosalie made a pickle run for you this morning. Go snack on some of those," Emmett said, trying not to make it too obvious that he was trying to get rid of Edward.

"Nobody loves me," Edward said, unloved, and went to the kitchen to get the promised pickles.

After his fifth pickle, Edward contemplated how locked up he felt. Carlisle had given all his teachers at the high school a medical note that said something about a very painful and long-lasting disease that would keep him out of school for the rest of the year, and now Edward couldn't go out in public unless it was the dead of the night and the only soul out and about was the drunk guy at the video rental store, too smashed to notice Edward's condition. It would be nice to get just a little fresh air, Edward decided, and, after some more pickles, he decided to go to the park bench in the backyard.

Carlisle said that the baby was scheduled to be born in something like a month and a half. Though Edward would be happy to see the end of jeans with elastic waistbands and the stretchy Marilyn Manson shirt that he had been forced to wear on laundry day, another part of him would miss the closeness he had with his baby and, yes, with Jacob. After the baby was born, did Jacob plan to stay? After all, his family was getting worried. Continuous visits from Charlie Swan late at night confirmed this. And Carlisle had said that Jacob only had to stay until the baby was born...

Edward was now crying on the park bench for no particular reason.

"Hey Edward, what's wrong?" Jacob's voice asked.

"You're going to leave me..." Edward said tearfully.

"... I think the pickle juice is finally going to your head," Jacob said after a moment. "You know, I wanted to tell you something today. It would have been better if we could have had the whole family here, but Jasper's wherever and Alice and Bella are watching_ their_ movie again."

"What is it you wanted to tell me?" Edward asked curiously as Jacob sat down on the bench beside him.

"Well, um... I've been planning it for a while, actually," Jacob said, a little awkwardly, and pulled a small box from his coat. "You see, I figured we might as well do this right for the kid. We didn't start out that great, so..."

He flipped open the box and revealed a simple golden band. Edward stared, and felt his jaw drop.

"Will you marry me?" Jacob asked.


	15. In Which Jasper Calls Maid Of Honour

_I have a play, so therefore I have no life. -_-'' Please accept this fluff as an apology._

_Disclaimer- Not mine. I offer my sympathies to Stephenie Meyer._

Chapter Fifteen

Carlisle wondered if vampires could get Carpal's tunnel syndrome. He had finished writing out the wedding invitations, and if his hand was stuck in a proper pen grip now. He would have tried to encourage blood flow to the area if he had any blood, so it seemed he was stuck like this for a while. Sighing, he looked outside. Jacob and Edward had been talking about everything and nothing for four hours straight now, and it was starting to get dark. Either from his improved undead skin or from mother's glow, Edward seemed practically incandescent in the sunlight, apparently perfectly content to trace circles on the palm of Jacob's hand.

"They're beautiful together," Esme sighed gently. She had entered the room without Carlisle noticing. "Have you finished writing out the invitations?"

"Yes, and I'm not sure what's wrong with my hand, but it's not correcting itself," Carlisle said, showing Esme his frozen digits.

Esme looked at the cramped hand for a moment, and then sweetly asked, "Have you tried this?"

Without waiting for Carlisle to speak, she took his hand, stretched out the fingers roughly, and then smashed his forearm against the table with her inhuman strength. To a normal human, that would have easily shattered most of the bones in the effected appendage, but to Carlisle, that was just what he needed to regain function in his wrist.

"Thank you dear," he smiled. "Always so sensible. Are the girls back from their movie yet? It ends at eight."

"Oh! No. Alice called me and told me she'd be back a bit later. She's... walking Bella home," Esme said. "They're very happy to hear that Edward accepted the proposal, though."

"I have no doubt of it," Carlisle said with another smile. "I still can't believe that we're going to be grandparents. I never thought I'd have that chance."

Esme didn't say anything in response to this, just beamed. She had already done most of the shopping for the baby, and had spent most of the day painting the spare bedroom with scenes of forests and lakes. If anything, she was probably the most enthusiastic about the coming arrival in the Cullen household.

The phone rang. Esme answered with a cheerful, "Cullen residence, Esme speaking."

Almost immediately, she held the phone away from her ear. Whoever was speaking on the other line was practically screaming. When she saw fit, she quieted him down, and said, "Jasper, dear. I know you're calling from a very long distance, but you don't need to yell into the receiver."

"Is that Jasper?" Carlisle mouthed, but Esme put an elegant finger to her mouth as she listened.

"Is that so...? Oh dear... well, you're welcome here, sweetheart... No? Oh, that's a real shame... Jas... Jasper... Jasper! Let me talk," she said after a moment. "You don't need to worry about that, sweetheart. Jacob's already proposed!"

Just faintly, Carlisle could hear Jasper screaming_ "THAT BROTHER-STEALING BASTARD! I'LL RIP HIS..."_ before Esme interrupted him again.

After several more minutes of placating talk, Esme put the phone back on the cradle and said, "Jasper's called the position of maid of honour. He'll be most aggrieved if the wedding goes on without him."

"Where would I be without you?" Carlisle asked in awe and relief. He didn't know how he would have dealt with a crazy Jasper at that moment. It was a good thing that Esme knew her children so well.

"I daresay I don't know," Esme said cheerfully, and called the boys in for bed.

* * *

"What do you think Jasper is up to?" Edward asked late that night as the two stared at the ceiling. His head was resting against Jacob's chest, and in return Jacob's hand was pressed against his swollen stomach.

"Probably trying to conquer the world through glam rock and Lestat," Jacob said with a quiet chuckle. "I'm not too worried about him. I give him two weeks before he comes back with Tom Cruise and David Bowie in his trunk."

"Don't even say that," Edward shuddered, and their baby kicked at the name of David Bowie.

"We're getting married," Jacob said quietly. Edward smiled widely, his teeth surreally white in the dark of the night, and hugged Jacob closer.

"I can hardly wait," he admitted. "I don't think I've been so excited for something in my life."

"I wonder if my family's okay with it," Jacob said. Immediately, the mood was killed. Edward knew they would have had to talk about this sooner or later, and knew that Jacob was very close to his family. He wondered if he was being selfish by wanting Jacob to forget that past, and to stay happy with him. He also knew that he and the rest of the Cullens couldn't possibly fill that need, the need of family.

"If you feel you have to go back, you can go, you know," he said finally. "I don't want you to be unhappy because of me."

"How could you think that you're making me unhappy, Edward?" Jacob scoffed. "You're an idiot and a leech, true, but you're my idiot leech. Believe me, if I wanted to leave, I would have done so by now. That's the problem, really. I don't like the idea of leaving the res, but at the same time I can't even think of leaving you. I wish there was some sort of compromise we could make."

"I wish that too," Edward said fervently. "I wish we could just be together, live our life without having to worry about the incriminations or the consequences."

"Don't we all," Jacob said with a sad smile, and captured Edward's lips in a kiss.


	16. In Which A Special Guest Appears

_Next chapter. I'm sorry for the huge delay. I was caught up in the exuberance of my own procrastination._

_Disclaimer- Still not dead? Still not mine. Also, David Bowie's personage is used expressly without his permission. Please don't sue. I'm not being libelous, I think._

Chapter Sixteen

"I think I'm going to be sick," Edward groaned, looking in the mirror queasily.

"That's what comes from too many peanut butter and pickle sandwiches," Alice said disapprovingly, and finished sewing Edward into his dress. "There! You look lovely, brother!"

"I think I've asked this before, but... since when did being pregnant and getting married necessitate that I crossdress?" Edward asked quietly. Alice didn't answer such a silly question, and they came out of Edward's room so Esme could take a look at them.

"Ah, you look lovely, Edward," their surrogate mother smiled. "My heavens, you're practically _glowing_!"

"Thank you, mother," Edward said nervously. "Where's Jacob?"

"He's waiting in the backyard, dear. Come along," Esme said, and they walked out together. "I'm so happy for you, Edward."

The wedding ceremony was supposed to be a nice an quiet one, just to exchange the rings and get the happy couple together before the baby was born. Jacob and Edward beamed throughout the reading from the Bible that Carlisle read quietly. It was so serene, and quiet...

"Guuuuuys, don't start without me!!"

For a moment, Edward thought that perhaps they'd forgotten Bella, but he could see her in his peripheral vision, and she seemed just as confused as everyone else.

And then realization hit the congregation like a sparkling cross-dressing vampire on a motorcycle.

"Damn you, Alice!" Jasper shrieked, and brought his motorbike to a full stop. He was quite a sight, swathed in a floaty creation of glittery gold lame and holding his baby blue helmet under his arm. "I called maid of honour, you backstabber. Plus, I got a wedding singer. What did you get?"

"I don't think we wanted a wedding singer, Jasper, but uh..." Carlisle trailed off as a vaguely familiar man came forward with a slight swagger.

"I promised Jasper I'd sing for his brother's wedding," announced David Bowie to the gobsmacked family with a grave expression, "On the condition, of course, that you name the child Toby and give him to me so he can succeed my throne."

Edward looked both horrified and homicidal.

"I'm kidding," chuckled the glam rocker after an awkward silence. "Although I'm sure that an undead shape-shifting baby would be an excellent Goblin King, I'm not completely heartless. You haven't said the words yet, after all."

And thus the ceremony continued, everyone a little wary of the delusional wedding singer that Jasper had come back with. David Bowie aside, Edward could not remember being this happy. Jacob looked almost as happy, and said his vows sincerely as they exchanged the rings. It was only at the end of the ceremony, that Edward started to feel somewhat odd. He sat down heavily on a chair, and took a pickle from the giant bowl that had been lef tout especially for him.

"You feeling all right, Edward?" asked David Bowie concerned, and sat down beside the pregnant vampire. "You look as though you've been sent to a distant planet with strange inhabitants. Shouldn't this be the happiest day of your life?"

"It is," Edward insisted. "I'm just feeling like my life has changed irreversibly. I get a little angsty about things like that."

"I understand completely," David Bowie nodded, and sat back candidly. "You know, I would be a little stressed if my water broke on my wedding day as well."

"What?" Edward asked, just as everyone else realized that the rock star's words rang true. "Oh God, I thought I wasn't due for a few weeks..."

"It's all right," David Bowie said, standing up dramatically. "I have experience! I am, after all, a midwife in a monk's body!"

Everybody disregarded Ziggy Stardust as Carlisle singlehandedly brought Edward to the basement calmly and quickly. While they were distracted, Jasper discreetly smuggled the lock of Tom Cruise's hair to his room, where it was placed neatly in his secret cache under the floorboards. There, he swore to protect the relic with his life.


	17. And They All Live Happily Ever After

_Sorry, I had a life for a few months there... But, as a result, I have finally closed the book on this story! It is done, finito. I hope it meets your expectations, people of the Twilight fandom. Merry Christmas!_

_Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer is not awesome enough to be the indelibly incredible me._

Chapter Seventeen

Carlisle soon realized, after a few unsuccessful moments of trying to deliver the baby, that the Volturi's fascist rulings on childbirth among vampires perhaps compromised his authority as a midwife. Meanwhile, on the hospital bed they kept in the basement (they kept all their medical equipment in the basement, those Cullens. You never knew when a man in need of a defibrillator would tunnel into your house), Edward tried waited rather impatiently for his father to figure out the strange workings of his man-womb while Alice exorted him to push.

"Father, I don't mean to pressure you inexorbitantly," he finally said testily, "but the baby isn't waiting for you to deliver it humanely. Can't you just cut me open?"

"A Caesarean on a pregnant man is an unprecedented procedure..."

"When have there been_ any_ precedents for procedures on pregnant men?" Edward all but yelled. "Mr. Bowie, what's your perspective?"

"Well, I'm not a doctor, since it doesn't start with 'm'," the glam-rock icon said contemplatively. "But I observed and recorded a delivery of a similar nature on the planet Mars while communing with the spider people there. I think I could possibly talk you through it, Dr. Cullen."

And thus did David Bowie insure the safe and relatively painless delivery through a process that will not be described here for fear of being killed by Mr. Bowie's secret police. Let us instead go to the part where Jacob and Edward are having a gooey moment over their newborn child, who was still kind of wrinkly and red, but absolutely adorable, especially when it slept.

"She has your skin," Jacob said at length, "Sorta sparkly, and dead-looking."

"Uh, Jacob?" Alice said quietly. "It's a boy, eh?"

"Right," Jacob rejoindered valiantly. "What do you want to name him?"

"Well, I think since Jasper indirectly insured his life, and since Jasper is my brother..." Edward reasoned, trailing off so Jacob could follow his train of thought.

"So you want to name him Jasper?" Jacob said, trying not to burst out laughing.

"No. I want to name him Lestat. That way there's actually a vampire out there called Lestat and Jasper will stop his hero worship of that non-sparkly, carnivorous travesty and transfer it to our flesh and blood," Edward corrected.

"Sound like a plan," Jacob said, probably against his better judgement. The gushy moment was interrupted by Billy Black entering the (suddenly wheelchair-accessible) basement.

"What'd I miss?" he asked candidly, taking in the scene before him as though he had definitely seen this before.

"Uh, just the wedding, and the hurried reception that preceded the shotgun delivery of your grandson," Carlisle said briefly. "Please don't eviscerate me."

"I wasn't planning to," Billy assured. "I just wanted to see what's going on. And, so you never trust him with family affairs again, Carlisle, Charlie Swan is a great guy, but he can't keep a secret to save his life. Why didn't you tell me you knocked up Edward Cullen, son?"

"Uh, frankly, Dad?" Jacob said, quirking an eyebrow.

"It's not like this hasn't happened before between our kinds, you know. Hey Carlisle, do you remember that skinny English leech back in '68? He had the little girl with my brother-in-law, and named her Roseanna."

"Oh yes," Carlisle laughed thinly. "What a mess that was."

"You mean this has happened before?" Edward asked outraged. "And you never told me?"

"I wanted you to learn a good lesson about chastity," Carlisle shrugged. "Not until marriage, young man. Understood?"

"Yes Father," Edward said stiffly.

And thus the family dynamic in the Cullen household was restored, along with the peace between the Cullens and the Blacks.

Jacob and Edward went to the Niagara falls (and Marineland) for their honeymoon with little Lestat in tow.

Jasper left with David Bowie for England and engineered the rockstar's wildly successful return to the public eye with a new alter ego to add to his pantheon of stage personas: The vampire Hale.

Alice and Bella embarked on a trip to Canada to get their union sanctified, and stayed there to invest in collapseable igloos.

Carlisle took the time to complete another course in university, and graduated with a major in Male Pregnancy and Delivery. Now, if his son ever decided to give Lestat a younger sibling, he would be ready, and would not have to rely on the song David Bowie wrote on the reproductive systems of the spiders from Mars.


End file.
